Domestic bliss
by thegirl20
Summary: Moments from Jill and Lindsay's life together.
1. Best laid plans

"I'm sorry, Lindsay, but you're the only one."

The Lieutenant shrugged his shoulders helplessly as Lindsay Boxer looked at him like he'd stuck a knife right into her chest.

"But…but sir…I have a really important dinner this evening."

He put his hand on her shoulder, his greying eyebrows knitted in concern.

"Listen, Jacobi's still recovering from surgery, Suarez is on another call-out and half the station's out with this stomach 'flu. You know I wouldn't ask you if I didn't have to."

Lindsay sighed and muttered an agreement.

"I'll make it up to you, Lindsay, I promise," the Lieut said, winking at her, "You know I never forget a favour."

He clapped her on the back and headed back up the stairs to his office, leaving a very despondent Lindsay Boxer to strap her gun belt on over her un-cop-like evening dress.

Once she had everything, she picked up her cell-phone and hit speed-dial, not looking forward to making the call she had to make. The recipient picked up on the second ring.

"Hey," Jill answered.

"Hey," Lindsay said, making her way out of the Hall and to the parking lot, "listen, I've got some news you're not gonna like."

"If your news is the same as my news, then you're right, I don't particularly like it."

Lindsay perked up.

"You've been called to the scene too?" she asked, trying not to sound too relieved.

"Yep, Denise is out with laryngitis, probably brought on by excessive fire-breathing, and apparently I'm the only idiot who answers her cellphone on a Friday night."

"Sounds familiar," Lindsay commiserated, getting into her car and starting the engine. "So, I guess I should call and cancel our reservation at the restaurant."

"I guess so," Jill said, sadly. "Looks like we'll be celebrating our anniversary at a crime scene."

"Which is oddly fitting, considering that's where we met," Lindsay said, attempting to find a bright side to the situation.

"And who says romance is dead?" Jill laughed. "I'll see you there."

"Lookin' forward to it."

*

Lindsay arrived to a bustling crime scene. The uni who'd called it in brought her up to speed and she headed on over to speak to Claire and view the unfortunate victim.

"So…what've we got?"

Claire looked up in surprise when she heard the familiar, smoky voice.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be this evening?" she asked, "Cuz honey, you're a little overdressed for this."

Lindsay sighed, looking down at her poor, useless dress.

"Tell me about it," Lindsay said, "I'm obviously far too easy-going for my own good."

"Your other half isn't sitting waiting for you in a restaurant somewhere, is she?" Claire asked, half-dreading the answer.

"No, in fact she's on her way here, apparently we're both far too conscient-…"

Lindsay's voice trailed off as she caught sight of Jill approaching. Her eyes swept up from impossibly high heels, past toned calves to the midnight-blue dress that stopped just below the knee. Lindsay's breath caught in her throat. The fabric clung to Jill's curves in all the right places and seemed to reflect the light, giving her an ethereal glow. The neckline plunged dangerously low, accentuated by a simple diamond necklace which sat just below Jill's collar-bone. Waves of dark blonde hair tumbled over Jill's shoulders, a stark contrast against the dark dress.

"Ungh…" Lindsay stammered.

"Well, hello to you too," Jill said, smiling.

"You…uh…you look amazing," Lindsay finally managed, dragging her eyes up to Jill's face.

"You scrub up pretty well yourself, Inspector," Jill said, her own eyes wandering over Lindsay's form, taking in her tight black dress. She reached out and toyed with the gun on Lindsay's hip. "Your accessorising could do with some work though."

"Ladies? Dead body in the room. Let's get that part of the evening wrapped up and then the two of you can go and…do whatever it is you wanna do."

Lindsay snapped her attention to Claire.

"Right. Murder. Dead person. I'm on it."

*

When the relevant procedures had been followed, evidence gathered and paperwork started, three friends made their way to their respective cars.

"Oh, wait up, I have something here," Claire said, reaching across to the passenger seat of her vehicle and bringing out a gift bag. She handed it to Jill.

"Just a little somethin' to mark the occasion," Claire said, kissing them both on the cheek before climbing into her car and firing the engine, she put down the window. "Have fun tonight, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

They waved as Claire drew away. Jill reached into the gift bag and pulled out a bottle of very expensive champagne. She raised an eyebrow at Lindsay.

"Well, now that we've well and truly missed our dinner reservation, what do you say to champagne and pizza at your place instead?"

Lindsay checked her watch. It was just before midnight. She slipped her arms around Jill's waist and leaned in to press a tender kiss against her lips. She drew away slowly, her nose still touching Jill's.

"Happy anniversary, sweetheart," Lindsay whispered.

Jill smiled against Lindsay's face.

"Right back at ya!"

*

Jill's head slammed back against the pillow as her body went rigid, her heels scrabbling for purchase on smooth sheets. She gasped Lindsay's name desperately as her lover appeared to ignore the fact that she her brain was in sensory overload and kept right on with her ministrations. Jill's hand flailed to find Lindsay's shoulder, urging her up. Lindsay eventually took the hint, her lips making a slow, torturous journey up Jill's torso, teasing her already tingling nerves with kisses and nips and licks.

Finally she hovered above Jill, enjoying the wet pant of Jill's breath against her cheek as Jill came down. She wiped long strands of dampened hair away from Jill's forehead, placing a soft kiss on her temple before drawing back to watch her face. She loved to see Jill as open and raw as she was during sex. All vestiges of the cool, precise exterior were gone, leaving behind a sensuous, fiery being. Lindsay loved being there for the transition.

Jill's eyes opened lazily and she smiled up at Lindsay, reaching behind her neck to pull her down into a sloppy kiss. Lindsay propped her head up on her hand and grinned down at Jill.

"You are amazing," Jill stated, eyelids heavy.

Lindsay was about to make a glib response, but for some reason was overtaken with the need to say something else.

"Move in with me."

Jill laughed, then paused, her brow crinkling in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Move in here with me," Lindsay repeated.

"You really pick your times, Linds…drunk on champagne and in a sex haze, what do you _think_ my answer's gonna be?"

"Then don't answer right now. Wait until tomorrow when you're completely sober and fully dressed and in control of all of your faculties," Lindsay said, rolling off Jill and pulling the blankets up around their cooling bodies.

Jill quickly snuggled into Lindsay, laying her head on the inspector's chest and tracing circles on her abdomen through the covers. Lindsay wrapped an arm around Jill's shoulders.

"I've never lived with anyone before. I…I don't know that I'd be very good at it," Jill said, after a long silence.

Lindsay kissed the top of her head.

"OK…but let's think about this. As it is you spend most of your nights here. You eat _all_ of your meals here."

"That's because I can't cook and you have good takeout menus."

"If you moved in, the only difference would be that all your stuff would be here with you."

"I have a lot of stuff."

"I have plenty of room."

"I'd be here all the time," Jill seemed almost to be talking to herself. "Are you sure you could stand that much of me?"

Lindsay recognised the vulnerability in Jill's voice. Coming from an unstable home, Jill was never convinced that people would be around for very long. Every so often she'd jokingly talk about Lindsay getting bored with her, or Lindsay getting a better offer. Lindsay would just shake her head and kiss those thoughts away as thoroughly as she could.

Lindsay turned onto her side and scooted down so that she and Jill were lying face to face.

"Honey, I can stand as much of you as you can throw at me."

Jill smiled lopsidedly and leaned forward to place a firm kiss on Lindsay's lips. She dropped her head back down onto the pillow, a finger twirling a stranding of Lindsay's dark hair.

"So, tomorrow, sober and fully clothed, I think I might just take you up on your offer."

Lindsay ran a hand down Jill's side.

"I won't hold you to anything you say under the influence of alcohol and mind-blowing sex."

Jill raised an eyebrow.

"Someone's very sure of herself."

Lindsay chuckled, rubbing a thumb over Jill's hip bone.

"Well, I'd hate for us to end up with a dog and a white-picket fence only for you to decide that I'd used underhand tactics to get you there."

Jill immediately grew serious.

"We are not getting a dog."

"I was just ki-"

"I mean it, Lindsay. Dogs are smelly and they drool everywhere and their hair gets all over your clothes. And they're practise for the K word."

Lindsay looked thoroughly confused.

"Kats?"

Jill rolled her eyes.

"Kids!" Jill shuddered.

Lindsay recognised the early signs of a freak-out when she saw them. She decided to head it off at the pass. She placed a finger over Jill's lips.

"I was kidding about the dog and the fence. And I didn't say a single thing about the K word. Let's deal with one huge change at a time, shall we?"

In a smooth motion, Jill was lying on top of Lindsay, her hands pinning Lindsay's wrists above her head.

"What do you say we don't deal with any huge changes right at this moment, and go back to the mind-blowing sex instead?"

Lindsay looked up into blue eyes, clouded by desire.

"Oh, I think I could be persuaded."


	2. Puppy love

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," Claire said as Jill turned into a parking spot in front of a slightly ramshackle building. Jill turned the ignition off and sighed.

"Talk you into what? I'm the one who's making all the sacrifices," she complained, getting out of the car and squinting at the sign above the door of the building. It read _'Bay Area Dog Shelter'_.

"Honey, please don't talk to a mother of two about sacrifices," Claire warned, following Jill towards the building. "_You_ are gonna go in here and pick out a cute little fluffy bundle of fun to present to your girlfriend on her birthday. Meanwhile _I_ am gonna have to be frisked on the way out to make sure I haven't stuffed a couple of 'em in my pockets."

Jill grinned.

"I still say that you could get one too. I'm sure the boys would love it if you did."

Claire eyed her sternly.

"The boys. The boys would love it for about five minutes. Then they'd get bored with it. Just like they did with the goldfish and the hamster and the rabbit. Except with a dog, I'd have to walk it and clean up after it and give it more to eat than lettuce." She shook her head firmly. "The boys can get a dog when the boys are old enough take responsibility for a dog."

Jill's walking speed had slowed considerably during Claire's rant and she was now almost at a standstill. Claire turned back to face her.

"We talked about this before we got in the car. I thought you were over your issues."

Jill stared at her wordlessly for a moment. Then she nodded her head.

"I am. I'm getting her a dog. She'll love it. She's always talking about the dogs she had as a kid and…yes, I'm doing it."

Jill started walking again, with purpose this time, and Claire had to jog to catch up. She linked her arm through Jill's and pulled her to a more acceptable walking pace.

"OK, just make sure I don't end up adopting the whole damn lot of them!"

*

"Oh my Lord! They're adorable!" Claire almost shrieked after they had been shown through to the puppy enclosure.

Jill stood back warily as Claire kneeled down and was immediately set upon by a dozen balls of fluffy energy. The jumped and licked and scrambled over the top of each other to get some of the attention that Claire was doling out. A copper spaniel with floppy ears was tugging on the end of Claire's scarf, backing away with jerky jumping movements and shaking its head.

"Definitely not that one," Jill decided.

Chewing of clothing was not to be condoned. However, despite her reluctance, she found herself softening at the sight of so many big eyes and wagging tails. A tiny sneeze from by her feet drew her attention and she looked down to see a little dog looking back up at her. Jill was no expert in dog breeds so she made no attempt to guess what kind it was. But it was mostly brown, with flashes of white on its face and undersides. And it was sitting, well-behaved and quiet, while the rest of the brood were licking Claire to death.

Jill hunkered down. The puppy kept eye contact, tipping its head to the side in curiosity. Jill reached out and scratched the dog's ears, rewarded for her gesture by a gentle pressure as the puppy leaned into the contact, closing its eyes in pleasure.

"I want this one," Jill announced, surprising Claire with the suddenness of the decision.

"Honey, we've only been in here for five seconds and you haven't even played with them," Claire said, standing up and wiping dog hair and drool from her pants.

Jill's puppy chose that moment to put a paw on Jill's knee and rub its head against her arm, seeking more ear scratching. The action sealed the deal for Jill who, after taking a deep breath, scooped the puppy up into her arms and stood.

"This is the one," she said, firmly.

Claire shrugged.

"OK, it's your decision."

"Can you…I dunno, check him out a little? Make sure he's healthy?"

Claire narrowed her eyes.

"Just to reiterate our earlier conversation. I am not a vet."

"I know you're not a vet. But it's the same principle, isn't it? Just look at him for me and tell me he's healthy."

Claire sighed but held her arms out and took the puppy from Jill. She held it out at arms length and raised an eyebrow.

"OK, first off, you need to change the pronouns you're usin' for this little girl," she said, bringing the puppy into her chest and running her fingers through its short, fuzzy coat, checking the skin for irritations. The puppy allowed the intrusion with no sign of upset. Finally Claire held her up again, looking at her face.

"Well, she looks healthy to me. Her coat is glossy and well-groomed, her eyes are clear and her nose is wet. A perfectly healthy puppy in the eyes of a non-vet," Claire declared.

Jill accepted the puppy back from Claire, cradling it in her arms.

"And I completely trust this non-vet's opinion, so let's go."

Claire put a hand on Jill's elbow.

"You're sure now? I mean…she wasn't as lively as the others, she hung back…maybe there's a reason for that. It could be that she wasn't treated well where she was before."

Jill smiled sadly.

"Then we'll just have to treat her well from now on and hope she forgets about the past."

Claire smiled back, and nodded.

"Let's get her home."

*

Lindsay Boxer closed the apartment door, leaned back against it and sighed, relieved to be home after a long, frustrating day. Some of her fatigue evaporated, however, when Jill stepped into the hallway. She was wearing an over-sized blue shirt. And not much else.

Jill moved in close, sliding her arms around Lindsay's waist.

"Happy birthday, Boxer," she whispered, before bringing their lips together in a languidly familiar kiss.

Lindsay pulled Jill closer and smiled against her cheek.

"I believe you wished me a happy birthday already. This morning. I remember it vividly," she said, her voice rich with humour.

Jill grinned.

"That's right, I forgot. And that's probably about your daily limit now, huh? You're getting on a bit and we don't want to put any unnecessary strain on your aged heart," she deadpanned.

Lindsay arched an eyebrow, sliding her hands up Jill's sides, underneath her shirt.

"You've been straining my heart for years, Bernhardt, no reason to stop now."

She pulled Jill back in for another kiss, but stopped just short of her lips when she heard a strange noise. A sort of tapping on the hardwood floor. She looked over Jill's shoulder just in time to see a puppy sit down with a bump and proceed to scratch at the red bow tied loosely around its neck. Lindsay's eyes widened. She looked back at Jill who was smiling indulgently.

"You…you got me a dog?" Lindsay asked, not quite believing what appeared to be the case.

"Looks that way, huh?" Jill responded, bending down and holding her hand out to the puppy. "Here girl, come on, c'mere."

The puppy ambled over and allowed Jill to pick her up. She held her out to Lindsay.

"Happy birthday."

Lindsay took the small, warm bundle into her arms. The puppy licked her chin.

"She likes you," Jill murmured, wrapping an arm around Lindsay's waist and leaning her head on her shoulder.

"I…I can't believe you did this. I thought you said dogs were practice for the 'K' word."

"Let's not read too much into this…'kay?"

Lindsay kissed Jill's forehead.

"Thank you. She's adorable."

"They said she was a Border Collie."

Lindsay held the pup up so that they were face to face.

"What're we gonna call you?"

"You can decide over dinner, it's in the kitchen getting cold."

"You cooked?" Lindsay asked, surprised.

"No, but I did order in from your favourite takeout place," Jill said, pulling Lindsay in the direction of the kitchen. "C'mon, how long have we lived together? And you're still expecting Martha Stewart?"

Lindsay looked down at the puppy.

"Martha. She looks like a Martha, don't you think?"

Jill shrugged.

"She looks like a dog. Who is not eating at the table with us. OK?"

"Yes, ma'am."

*  
Later that night, in the comfort of their bedroom, Lindsay kissed along Jill's collar bone, licking a path up to her earlobe which she took into her mouth and bit. Jill hissed at the dual sensations of pleasure and pain, arching up to increase the contact between their bodies. Lindsay's hand was on a slow, torturous journey south and had stalled on Jill's belly, fingers rubbing circles on the soft flesh there.

"God…Lindsay…," Jill managed to gasp out as Lindsay finally reached her destination and agile fingers danced in well rehearsed patterns.

The dance came to an abrupt halt.

"Wh…what is it?" Jill asked, panting.

"Shhh!" Lindsay said, placing a finger over Jill's lips.

A low whining could be heard coming from the hallway. Jill's taut body slumped onto the bed as Lindsay got up and went to the door. She opened it and bent down, Martha immediately scrambling into her arms.

"Hey little girl, were you scared out there all alone, huh?" she cooed.

"Lindsay," Jill began, warningly.

Lindsay walked over to the bed and flicked on a lamp, Jill knew instantly that she was going to be beaten. Two sets of big, brown eyes were looking at her imploringly.

She pointed at Lindsay.

"One night. That's it. She's not sleeping in here all the time."

Lindsay grinned and let Martha jump onto the bed, where she immediately snuggled into the warmth of Jill's body. Jill stroked her downy soft fur and sighed as Lindsay switched off the light and climbed back into bed.

"I mean it, Lindsay, this isn't going to become a habit."

Lindsay draped an arm over Jill's waist.

"Yes ma'am."


	3. Numb

The phone was shrill against the silence of the night. She threw an arm out towards the glow of the display, unfazed by the late night call; it was hardly an unusual experience. She didn't bother to look at the caller ID.

"Washburn."

"Claire, it's Lindsay."

"Thought it might be. What treat do you have for me tonight?"

"Claire…it's Ed."

Claire sat up in bed, her insides frozen. She couldn't make her throat work to reply; to ask the question she most dreaded asking. Lindsay continued, rattling off information.

"He's been shot. I'm at the hospital now. He's in surgery. You need to come down here. Can you get your neighbour to come in and sit with the boys? I don't want you driving so I'm gonna call Jill to come get you. OK? If anything changes I'll call but just sit tight until Jill gets there. OK?"

"'Kay," Claire managed.

She hung up the phone and sat still for a moment. She turned and looked at Ed's side of the bed, untouched and tidy. She reached out and ran her fingers lightly over his pillow, but quickly pulled her hand back. Silly gestures didn't achieve anything. She needed to act.

Claire swung her legs out of bed and dressed quickly in the clothes she'd worn the day before. Her head felt like it was full of smog. The information that Lindsay had given her was somewhere far in the distance, but obscured and out of reach. For that she was glad. She knew that as soon as it became real, became tangible, she would crumble.

She kept herself busy with calling her Mrs Johnston, who was also used to late night phone-calls, and arranging for her to come in. She chose to block out the sympathy in her voice when she heard the reason behind this particular call. The woman's compassion was suddenly smothering, and brought the events of the night uncomfortably close to reality. She needed to get out and decided to wait for Jill on the sidewalk.

Before long, Jill's car drew up. Claire didn't give her a chance to get out, opening the door and slipping into the passenger seat.

"Honey, I…"

"I can't do that now," Claire bit out between gritted teeth. "Let's just get there."

She risked a sideways glance at Jill and noticed that she had been crying. The understanding in Jill's eyes was very nearly her undoing. Because she knew that Jill _did_ understand. She knew that Jill had received calls in the middle of the night to tell her that her lover had been hurt. Claire herself had been the one to hold Jill's hand in the hospital waiting room, and to hug her in relief when the news was good.

Jill nodded and started the car. Claire reached over and took her hand. The journey passed in silence.

*

They were ushered to the relatives' room to find Lindsay and Jacobi pacing the floor. Lindsay moved forward to embrace Claire but stopped as Claire folded her arms.

"Any more news?"

Lindsay looked at Jill for a second before answering.

"Uh…no, not since I spoke to you. We've asked a bunch of times but you know what doctors are like."

The edge of Claire's mouth quirked at Lindsay's unintentional insult. She nodded once and took a seat. Lindsay looked at her for a long moment before signaling to Jill that she wanted to see her in the hallway. Claire watched them go. The glass panel of the door framed them as it closed. Lindsay was obviously concerned about Claire and was asking Jill about her. Jill was shrugging a lot. Then Jill put her hand up to cover her mouth, her head bowed slightly. Claire saw her shoulders shake. Lindsay pulled her into her arms and rocked them both back and forth.

An unbidden streak of resentment shot through Claire. Why should Jill be able to collapse in her lover's arms? Why does Jill get to cry with relief? Why isn't Jill the one frozen in some kind of emotional paralysis, unable to deal with reality? Shame followed just as quickly and Claire hated herself for having those thoughts.

She turned her mind to inane things, like composing her mental grocery list, and waited.

*

After hours of no news and empty reassurances from hospital support staff, she saw Lindsay raise her head from where it had been resting on Jill's shoulder. She followed her gaze through the window in the door, a doctor was approaching. Her stomach clenched. Her mind went into clinical mode. She'd listen to what he had to say as a medical professional, to make an informed judgment on the injury and the prognosis. She knew about ballistics, trajectories, bone shattering, the extent to which organs can survive when damaged. She could do this.

When the door opened, the doctor in her fled and the wife took over. She became aware of her breathing, of her heartbeat, of the sweat on her palms. The doctor came in. Everyone in the room stood, though Claire had no idea how her legs were managing to support her. Jacobi came to stand next to her, his strong hand on her shoulder. Lindsay took her hand.

"Mrs Washburn, your husband is out of surgery and is stable. He's going to be OK."

Lindsay managed to get a supportive arm around her waist just before she fell to her knees, bringing Lindsay with her. And for the first time since she received the dreaded call, Claire wept.


	4. How far?

Jill sat alone in the living room, cradling a glass of scotch and watching the clock. It was after ten. She sighed. She supposed she should be used to spending her evenings alone, it happened so often.

A key in the lock drew her out of her musings. She put the glass down on the coffee table and walked to the living room door, leaning against the frame and watching as Lindsay shrugged out of her leather jacket.

"It's late," Jill said, stating the obvious. "Where've you been?"

"Hmm?" Lindsay asked, distracted.

"Where have you been?"

"There was a lead I had to follow," Lindsay said, vaguely.

"Not on the Hawkins case. Jacobi told me it was signed, sealed and delivered at five o'clock this afternoon."

"It was for another case," Lindsay said, sounding annoyed.

Jill bit her tongue and shook her head.

"No prizes for guessing which one."

Lindsay paused and looked at her, challenging her to say more. When nothing else was forthcoming, Lindsay reached up and pulled down the ladder which led to the attic. She hesitated after putting her foot on the first rung. Her eyes flicked to Jill for a second.

"Don't wait up, I have stuff to do and I don't know when I'll be done."

Jill watched Lindsay disappear into the hatch. A solitary tear ran down her cheek, pooling in the corner of her mouth.

"Oh, I think we're done," she whispered to the empty hallway.

*

Lindsay pushed open the front door and was surprised to find the apartment in darkness. She turned on the hallway light and shrugged out of her jacket. She checked her cell to see if Jill had left a message to say she was going out, or was working late, but there was nothing.

Martha came bounding out to greet her and Lindsay bent down to scratch the dog's ears.

"Hey girl, where's Jill, huh? Have you been here all alone all night? Are you hungry?"

Lindsay stood and headed into the kitchen with Martha trotting at her heels. There was an envelope with her name on it sitting on the kitchen table. It was Jill's writing. A chill went through Lindsay's stomach. She picked the envelope up and ripped it open, pulling out the single piece of paper inside.

_Lindsay,_

I'm going to stay with Claire for a while. I need some time to think about everything. About us. I've tried to talk to you about this but, even when you're here, you're not with me.

I'll speak to you soon.

I love you.

Jill.

Lindsay sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs, the hand holding the note was shaking violently. She fought down the rising nausea in her chest. Martha came and put her head on her mistress' knee, sensing her distress.

Forcing herself to take some calming breaths, Lindsay dialled Jill's cell number. It rang a couple of times before going to voicemail. Immediately Lindsay tried Claire's number instead. This time the phone was answered on the second ring.

"Hello," Claire sounded like she expected the call.

"Claire, I need to speak to her."

"Honey, I really think she just needs some time."

"Please, Claire. I can fix this. I know it's my fault. Please…_please_ just let me speak to her."

With a sigh, Claire deliberated before making a decision.

"I'll _ask_ her if she wants to speak to you."

"Thank you," Lindsay said, genuinely.

Muted murmurings could be heard over the line, Claire had covered the mouthpiece.

"Hey." It was Jill's voice and Lindsay almost cried with relief.

"Baby, come home."

"Lindsay, I can't…"

"Please, come home, I can fix it."

"I think we both need some time to decide what we want,"

"I know what I want. I want you. Come home so we can talk about it."

"Not tonight…I…I just can't," Jill's voice was cracking, "Say goodnight to Martha for me."

"Jill, wait, please…let me…I'll pick you up for breakfast in the morning. We can talk. Please?"

Jill was silent for a long time, Lindsay could hear her breathing.

"OK. I'll see you in the morning."

Lindsay closed her eyes in relief.

"Thank you. I love you," Lindsay's voice broke on the last word.

Jill was crying openly now.

"I love you too," she whispered.

The line went dead. Lindsay dropped the cellphone to the table and brought a shaking hand up to her mouth, squeezing her eyes closed. Martha let out a low whine and nuzzled her mistress' elbow. Lindsay rubbed the dog's head, absently.

She stood, suddenly, and headed to the attic.

*

Jill handed the phone back to Claire, wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. Claire pressed her lips together, unsure of the best approach. She wrapped an arm around Jill's shoulders and squeezed.

"You OK?"

Jill shrugged and sniffed.

"She's picking me up in the morning. We're gonna talk. That's something."

"Uh huh."

Jill looked at Claire sharply, confused by the tone of her voice.

"You don't think that I should talk to her."

"Yes…no…I mean, I do think that the two of you need to talk. I also know that neither of you are all that good at it."

"What?"

"Now, you know that I love you, and that I love Lindsay. But honey, you both have issues with intimacy."

"I…what does that have to do with anything?"

"Tomorrow. You go to breakfast with Lindsay. She looks at you with those big, brown eyes and tells you she's sorry…what are you gonna do?"

The image Claire had conjured up made Jill's chest contract and she closed her eyes. Claire jostled her gently.

"You're gonna fall right back into her arms. But will anything actually be fixed?"

Jill shook her head.

"OK. So all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna talk, make sure you actually talk about what's bothering you. The two of you are pretty adept at making up so that's not what you need to practise. It's the talking part."

"I know. I…I'm gonna do the talking thing. We need to be clear about what the problem is."

"Good. I hate to see you hurting this way. I hate to see her the way she is. Believe me, when all of this is fixed, nobody'll be happier than me."

Jill bumped Claire's shoulder with her own.

"Wanna bet?"

*

Lindsay pressed Claire's doorbell feeling like a kid picking up his prom date. Nervous as hell, but with hope tucked away somewhere at the back of her mind.

The door opened to reveal Claire. Lindsay offered her a tentative smile and was rewarded with a one-armed hug of reassurance. Claire pulled back and took in Lindsay's appearance.

"You look worse than the guy who was on my table yesterday," she remarked, not unkindly.

"Uh…I didn't sleep…much."

"At all, you mean?"

Lindsay sighed.

"Is it that obvious?"

Claire nodded.

"But if it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure you'll make a matching pair."

The thought of Jill spending a sleepless night, upset and hurting tugged at Lindsay's stomach. She looked at her feet.

"And I'm gonna pretend that I don't see that flower that you obviously stole from my neighbour's garden."

Lindsay looked back up, twirling the single daisy nervously.

"Is it too cheesy? I…I didn't want to do the whole _'here's an elaborate bunch of flowers'_ apology but I didn't wanna show up empty handed and they were so pretty and…I should get rid of it, right? She'll hate it."

"No she won't."

Jill's voice came from behind Claire. Claire stepped aside to let Jill take her place. Jill met Lindsay's eyes for a moment before they dropped to the flower she was holding. She reached out and took it, bringing it up to her nose. She smiled sadly.

"It's lovely," she said, looking back at Lindsay's face. "You look like shit, by the way."

"Thanks," Lindsay said, allowing herself a small chuckle. "You look beautiful."

"Liar," Jill said, smiling.

Claire cleared her throat, sensing that the playful banter was going to lead to a reconciliation right there on her porch, which wasn't going to resolve anything.

"Weren't you two gonna go for breakfast?" she asked, nudging Jill.

"We were," Jill turned to Lindsay, "Did you have somewhere in mind?"

"I…well there's a little waffle house a few blocks away. I thought we could walk there since it's a nice morning," she suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Jill agreed.

She turned to face Claire and gave her a quick hug.

"I'll see you later. Thanks for…well, you know," she finished, embarrassed.

"You're welcome. Now _go_," Claire ordered, shoving Jill out of the door where she fell into step beside Lindsay on the way down the path.

Claire stood and watched them go. And she prayed.

*

The air was crisp and fresh, the sun warming the air enough to keep away the chill of the morning. They had walked in silence since leaving Claire's house. Lindsay sneaked a glance at Jill who was concentrating on the sidewalk. Lindsay decided to break the silence.

"I feel like this is our first date all over again," she said, her voice betraying exactly how nervous she felt.

Jill smiled.

"Well, at least you know there won't be any unfortunate dancefloor incidents involving people of diminutive stature this time. That should take away some of the pressure."

"True…but, I was trying to impress you enough for you to sleep with me back then. Now the stakes are a little higher."

They were both staring straight ahead as they walked.

"Linds... I didn't leave because I don't want to be with you. I just…I wanted to see if you would notice if I wasn't there, cuz you sure didn't seem to notice when I was there."

Out of the side of her eye, Jill saw Lindsay's head droop. She reached out and took her hand, lacing their fingers together. Lindsay looked over at her, surprised.

"Don't tell Claire I did that. We still need to talk when we get to the restaurant. Properly," Jill insisted.

Lindsay nodded, her heart lightening a little as Jill squeezed her fingers.

*

Once they were seated and had given the waitress their order, the awkward silence descended once more. Lindsay watched Jill fidget with the daisy she had given her and decided that she needed to lay her cards on the table.

"You're right."

Jill looked up.

"About what?"

"I haven't been there…for you…lately. I've been wrapped up in trying to catch this bastard and I…haven't thought about how that's affected you."

Jill nodded and waited for Lindsay to continue.

"I'm…I want to sit here and tell you that I won't let it happen again but then I shut my eyes and I see those girls with their mouths sewn shut and I don't think I can ever, in good conscience, stop caring about that."

Jill's hand on top of her own made Lindsay look her in the eye.

"Lindsay, I don't want you to ever stop caring about your job. I don't want you to ever change who you are. But I need you to admit that you're not infallible…that sometimes, even when you do everything in your power, you're not gonna get the bad guy. I need you to know when it's time to put your hands up."

Lindsay shook her head.

"That means he gets away with it. Means he's still out there. Means he can do it again."

Jill sat back in her seat, taking her hand off Lindsay's.

"When was the last time that you had a solid lead on this case? Something that led somewhere useful?"

Lindsay started to speak but Jill kept going.

"When was the last time you came home at a decent hour? When was the last time you sat down and ate a decent meal? When was the last time that you and I went out and did something fun? When was the last time we _made love_, for Christ's sake?"

Lindsay closed her eyes and rubbed her face with both hands.

"Lindsay, what this guy did was sickening. It was awful. I can't imagine how those families must feel knowing he's out there right now. But you know what?"

Lindsay took her hands away from her face and tilted her head, looking tired and defeated. She shook her head.

"I know that it's not your fault. Just like it's not Claire's fault that there was no usable DNA evidence. Just like it's not my fault that none of the warrants turned up anything. You've done your part, Linds, you can't do any more."

Lindsay breathed in deeply through her nose.

"I don't think I can walk away completely," she began, holding a hand up when Jill started to protest, "_But_…last night I boxed up all the stuff from the attic. I dropped it off at the archives this morning before I picked you up. I also spoke to the Lieut and told him that I'd be taking some of the vacation time I've racked up."

She looked over at Jill plaintively.

"I know myself, Jill. I know that I get too involved with cases. But I also know that I've never been as happy in my life as I am when I'm with you. And I need to work harder at showing you that. If you'll let me."

Jill's eyes had been filling up and they finally spilled over. She wiped at them.

"And Claire said we were no good at this!" she said, laughing at her own display of emotion.

"No good at what?" Lindsay asked, smiling, though her own throat was thick with the threat of tears.

"At the talking thing," Jill explained. "She was sure I'd prostrate myself at your feet the minute you flashed your puppy-dog eyes at me."

Lindsay chuckled.

"Yeah, I tried that earlier…didn't work. They must be broken or something, they've never failed me before."

Jill sobered.

"We've never been this far gone before."

Lindsay nodded. Jill reached over and took both of Lindsay's hands into hers.

"Lindsay, what you've said today is great and it's exactly what I wanted to hear…but I need to make sure it's not just words."

"I know you do," Lindsay said, nodding in understanding. "Listen, why don't we go away somewhere? Somewhere hot where there's nothing to do but lie in a hammock and drink alcoholic things out of coconuts?"

Jill smiled.

"Sounds like heaven."

"We don't need to be on vacation for me to show you heaven, darlin'," Lindsay drawled, her mouth stretching into a lazy grin.

"Lindsay Boxer, are you propositioning me before we've even had breakfast?"

Lindsay leaned forward over the table.

"If I say yes am I going to get slapped?" she whispered.

Jill sighed and shook her head, reaching into her purse and bringing out her cellphone. She punched a few buttons and held it to her ear. Lindsay quirked a questioning eyebrow at her.

"Claire? Hey, listen, I'm gonna come by and grab my stuff tomorrow, OK?" she looked up at Lindsay and held her eyes as she spoke, "I'm going home."


	5. Please remember

"You know the media's not allowed to take pictures up here."

Cindy glanced at Claire and rolled her eyes, making a little huffing sound in her throat. Surely Claire knew by now that rules and regulations were not enough to stop Cindy Thomas? She was about to make a retort to that effect when her ears picked up on a faint sound. She grabbed Claire's arm, pulling her to a halt and _'ssshhing'_ her.

"I'm just sayin'!" Claire said, surprised at Cindy's reaction.

Cindy waited until Claire had picked up on her meaning and both women proceeded on tiptoe to the source of the sound. They peeked into the hospital room to an arresting sight; Deputy DA Jill Bernhardt was singing softly to a tiny baby. Cindy smiled and snapped a picture before Jill even realised that she had company.

At the sound of the camera shutter, Jill looked up abruptly.

"Don't let us stop you," Claire said, her voice rich with amusement.

"Lindsay _never_ sees that picture," Jill said, casting a warning glare at Cindy.

Claire bustled past Cindy and made a beeline for the crib.

"Oh come on, you look adorable!" Cindy protested.

Jill looked back at Cindy, almost shyly. For the first time since she'd met her, Cindy saw uncertainty in the lawyer's eyes. Cindy filed the information in her brain to press Jill on later. Because, suddenly, all of Jill's protests about having children seemed flimsy. Seeing her in that moment, Cindy was convinced that Jill would love to have children, but was held back by…something.

"This little girl looks like she's 'bout ready to go home," Claire cooed over the squirming infant.

Jill and Cindy turned to look at the tiny pink bundle, Jill's moment of vulnerability unsettling for both of them.

"Wherever that is," Cindy said, her heart heavy with worry for the kid.

"She belongs with her grandparents."

All eyes turned to Lindsay as she entered the room, followed closely by the grieving grandparents. Jill hurriedly vacated her place by the side of the crib to allow the Williams space to bond with their granddaughter. Retreating to a polite distance, the women stood to watch the touching scene. Jill was watching a different scene; the one which played out across Lindsay's expressive features. She reached out and laced her fingers through Lindsay's, holding on tightly. Claire squeezed Lindsay's waist as Cindy took a picture of the new family.

"You done good," Claire murmured.

Lindsay smiled. Jill found herself unable to ignore the obvious.

"Murdered father, mother in jail…she's gonna have a lot to deal with growing up," she said.

"She's got two people in her life who care more about her than anything in the world, I'd say that's a good place to start," Lindsay said, her tone unreadable.

Part of Jill felt like she was being told off, another part told her to suck it up and be there for Lindsay, in spite of her own issues with family and childhood. She leaned in closer to Lindsay.

"I'm guessing you need a drink."

Lindsay looked at her for a long moment before smiling sadly.

"I just wanna go home," she said, finally.

Jill nodded.

"Then let's go home."

*

After ensuring that Martha was fed, walked and watered, Jill and Lindsay retired to the couch. Lindsay flicked on the TV and found an old black and white movie playing. Jill threw her legs over Lindsay's lap and rested her head on Lindsay's shoulder. They sat in silence, Lindsay running her hand idly up and down Jill's leg.

The buzzer sounded, startling both of them. Lindsay glanced at her watch.

"It's after eleven," she said, needlessly.

"I'll get it," Jill said, disentangling herself from the warmth of their position.

She headed into the hallway and opened the door, leaving the chain on.

"Tom."

For some reason, she wasn't surprised to see him there. Jill closed the door enough to allow her to undo the chain and open the door fully. Tom took a step backwards as she did so.

"Jill…uh…I was…is Lindsay in?"

"Sure, come on in, she's in the living-room."

"Tom?"

Upon hearing his voice, Lindsay had come out into the hallway. They stood in an awkward triangle.

"Lindsay…I uh, I just wanted to let you know that Dale the slimeball isn't gonna press charges."

Lindsay raised an eyebrow.

"You could've called to tell me that."

Jill looked between them, knowing fine well that Tom hadn't come to talk about Dale.

"We were just about to have a nightcap, Tom. Scotch?" Jill asked.

Tom looked surprised by the offer. So did Lindsay.

"Well…I don't want to impose…"

Jill closed the door and ushered Tom into the living room, avoiding Lindsay's questioning expression.

"Take a seat and I'll be back in a sec with the drinks."

She busied herself pouring whisky in the kitchen, listening to Tom and Lindsay making small talk about how Tom had managed to 'encourage' the idiot who Lindsay had punched earlier in the day not to pursue the case. She picked up two glasses and headed back into the living room. She handed a glass to Tom and one to Lindsay. Lindsay placed hers on the coffee table and grasped Jill's arm.

"You not drinking?" she asked, worry evident in her voice.

Jill shrugged.

"Nah, I'm beat. I think I'll turn in for the night and leave the two of you to talk shop."

Jill leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on Lindsay's lips.

"Don't stay up too late," she added, rubbing Lindsay's arm. "G'night Tom."

And without a backward glance Jill walked to the bedroom, Martha padding along beside her, praying that she'd done the right thing.

*

Lindsay looked at the top of Tom's head. He was staring into his Scotch, evidently feeling as awkward as she was. She sighed and retrieved her glass from the table before flopping down into an armchair. Tom looked up.

"You doin' OK?"

Lindsay shrugged.

"Never been better."

He smiled, humorlessly.

"OK, fine. I just…I wanted you to know that I'm here if you want to talk."

"I don't."

The words were out of her mouth before she even knew if they were true or not. He stood up and walked a few steps before turning to face her.

"Have you talked to Jill?"

"That's none of your business."

He regarded her for a moment, his jaw tense with frustration.

"As your boss…as your _friend_, I wanna make sure that you're talking to somebody about it."

She leaned forward, placing her glass back on the table and rubbing her face with both hands. Then she started speaking.

"OK. Look, lots of first pregnancies don't work out. Ours didn't. It's nobody's _fault_. Nobody's a failure. Just happens."

"Yeah, I know," he said softly, not wanting to say anything to prevent her continuing.

"And it was _years_ ago," she said, turning to look at him.

"Yeah, and we both went back to work three days later."

"Sure as hell beat stayin' home," she muttered, staring at her hands.

She glanced at the clock, her eyes falling on a framed picture of her and Jill laughing. She sighed.

"I need to get to bed."

He nodded, but made no move to leave.

"Working this case with you today...you think you put something away and then you realise...it's still with you," his words hung heavy in the air. "I'm gonna go."

And when he said it she realised she didn't want him to go. Not yet. She stood, shoving her hands deep into her back pockets.

"You know...I read in a magazine somewhere that the Japanese have a ceremony when…what happened to us happens."

He nodded.

"There's...uh, music and…and toys and..." her voice was faltering.

He reached out impulsively to caress her face, she held his hand against her cheek briefly and brought it down, keeping hold of it as she continued to speak.

"…pretty little…umbrellas. The uh, parents ask the spirits to take their baby to a better world."

"A better world," he whispered, not trusting his own voice.

She looked at him, her eyes wet with grief. He pulled her into his arms, his hand moving to cradle the back of her head.

"Sounds nice," he said.

She clung to him, her nose buried in his shoulder, inhaling his scent. The embrace was familiar and soothing. She drank in the comfort that she'd shunned all those years ago.

He pulled back slightly, his nose brushing hers. She looked at him questioningly.

"Tom?"

He pressed his lips to hers. She turned away, pulling out of his hold.

"No."

He jumped back as if he'd been stung. Lindsay's hand was covering her mouth, her arm across her stomach.

"I…Lindsay I am so sorry."

She nodded, not looking in his direction.

"I'm gonna go."

And this time he did go. She waited until she heard the door close before going into the hallway. She locked the door and put the chain back on. Then she leaned her head against the wood and closed her eyes.

*

The bedroom was in darkness, but there was enough moonlight for her to make out Jill's silhouette on the bed. Martha's head popped up for a moment to check who had come in but she quickly settled back down in her basket.

Lindsay changed quietly before approaching the bed. She sat down on the edge, elbows on her knees, head in her hands. The bed creaked and a gentle hand came to rub her back.

"You getting in?" Jill asked, her voice clearly demonstrating that she hadn't been asleep.

"Yeah, in a sec," she replied, trying to stem the flare of panic and guilt in her chest.

After a few moments, Lindsay climbed under the covers. Jill kept some distance between them, her hand still resting on Lindsay's hip.

"I'm not gonna ask if you're OK, because I know you're not," Jill said.

Lindsay moved closer and pulled Jill into her arms. She pressed her lips to Jill's neck and let her face rest in the warm crook of her shoulder. Jill's hand ran rhythmically up and down her back.

"He kissed me," Lindsay whispered.

Jill tensed slightly, but her hand never stopped its comforting motion. She didn't speak, waiting for Lindsay to say more.

"I was…we were talking about the…the uh…miscarriage…and he hugged me."

There were tears in Lindsay's voice, Jill pressed closer to her.

"…and then he looked and me, and I knew he was gonna do it and I could've…I should've stopped him."

Lindsay pulled back, needing to look into Jill's eyes as she said the next part.

"I pushed him away. I didn't kiss him back. "

Jill swept some of Lindsay's dark hair away from her face, running her knuckles over Lindsay's jaw, unconsciously mirroring Tom's earlier actions.

"You wanted to, though."

Lindsay flinched away from Jill's touch.

"What? No I didn't. I came in here to you which should show tha-"

"Sssshhhhh," Jill said, gently placing two fingers over Lindsay's mouth. "What I meant was that he was there and he understood what you were going through, and you wanted that kind of comfort, you needed it."

Lindsay lay in silence, Jill's fingers still on her lips.

"I can't give you that level of understanding, Linds, but I can be here for you in any way you need me to be. If you want to talk, we'll talk. If you want me to hold you, I'll hold you. Just tell me what you want."

Lindsay brought her hand up to cover Jill's, placing a soft kiss on her fingers before pulling them away from her mouth and holding them over her heart. She regarded Jill in the darkened room; the moon seeming to highlight Jill's pale beauty, not diminish it.

"We never talk about having kids."

It wasn't strictly true. The 'K word' was occasionally raised, generally to get a reaction out of Jill. But they had never seriously discussed the issue. Their jobs didn't easily lend themselves to child-rearing so they hadn't had the time to seriously consider it.

"No, we don't," Jill agreed. "Do you want to talk about having kids?"

"I don't know," Lindsay said, honestly.

"Because…Linds, you know I…I'm not sure that…"

"I know," Lindsay assured her. "And I don't want to talk about it tonight. But maybe one day we should have the K-word conversation for real, huh? So that we know where we stand."

Jill audibly sighed in relief and Lindsay chuckled. She squeezed Jill's hand before letting it go and pulling Jill closer, her head coming to rest on Lindsay's chest. Jill lay for a while, content to listen to the steady beat of Lindsay's heart. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to Lindsay's collar bone.

"Thank you for not kissing Tom back."

"You're welcome," Lindsay said, her voice rumbling with amusement.

"I wouldn't have…well, I mean…I would've understood."

"I'll keep that in mind the next time an ex-fiancé lays one on me."

Jill smiled against Lindsay's warm, soft skin.

"I love you."

Lindsay's arm tightened around her shoulders.

"Love you too."


End file.
